Setting Boundaries

Do you refer to yourself as a ‘people pleaser’?

Personally I find is a funny term and I am a bit cautious when people say it. In my experience it often feels like a back-handed compliment, ‘you are very good at boundaries, I wish I could be more like that, but I am such a people-pleaser!’ Its kind of like saying ‘I care about other people more that you do’, and quite simply that’s not true.

So lets think about it a bit, why do you ‘people please’? Is it because you want to help others and would do anything for them? Is it because you value others more than yourself or is it also an opportunity to give yourself an excuse for not getting things done (therefore its not your fault)?

Before you close this page and think I am being unreasonable because I don’t understand what its like, hear me out!

For as long as I can remember I’ve been told (or reminded) to think of other people, it is programmed into us from a very early age, statements like ‘Don’t be selfish!’ ‘Put others before yourself’.

Sure, putting yourself first can be seen as selfish BUT it could also be viewed as self compassionate, brave and energising. In actual fact it should be seen as a necessity.

Lets think about a real life example:

Annie wakes up with a plan of doing a 20 minute run/walk- she knows the best time to do it will be after work. She puts her running kit by the door so she can change into it as soon as she gets home from work.

As she is about to leave Annie’s colleague asks her if she is free for a 15 min chat, Annie is happy to help out and says yes.

On the drive home her friend calls and asks if Annie could pop past her house and let the dog out as she is stuck on the train and is going to be delayed. Its not out of her way, Annie says yes.

She arrives home an hour later than planned, and is now hungry but she still has time to get the run done and she knows it will do her good to go.

Just as she is about to leave her teenage daughter calls and asks to be collected from a local shopping centre. Annie suggests to her daughter that she waits 30 minutes but this is not a popular decision and the daughter gets annoyed. Annie feels guilty and gets in the car to get her, she cant be bothered to run now anyway, she will try again tomorrow.

When they are back at home Annie is tired and hungry. She makes dinner whilst the household is buzzing, people talking about their day and asking Annie for her opinion. She wants to give her family her full attention but is actually feeling pretty frustrated.

She finally sits down feeling annoyed that the day hasn’t gone as she had planned. She hopes tomorrow will be different, but she isn’t sure that she has time… perhaps she will start again next week.

Annie put the needs of her colleague, friend, daughter and family ahead of her own need for 20 minutes. If she had explained to any of those people that she wanted to go for a run and that she would either have to say ‘no’ or delay her immediate response they would’ve had a choice. They might’ve got annoyed at the prospect that she wasn’t doing what they asked… they may have asked someone else. Equally they might’ve thought, ‘that’s odd, Annie always helps me out'. The fact that Annie ALWAYS says yes is the exact reason for Annie to say NO sometimes.

If you put value on your time, other people will too.

We don’t know what would’ve happened if Annie had said no to any of those people but what we do know is that there would’ve been more chance of her ending the day feeling accomplished, fulfilled and proud. Not to mention that she would likely be energised and wanting to do it again because it had made her feel good.

It would also prove that Annie has the right to say no, and that putting herself as a priority is important.